Since becoming a Father I have written. I have written to unlock parts of myself that have been scrambling to find some purchase on the craggy face of my often bewildering subconscious. It is a way to centre myself. To find some comfort in analysis and structure. To allow myself control over one of the most demanding and challenging situations I have ever had to encounter is an extremely rewarding experience. It will continue to be so during my short time here.

I’m not very skilled at talking to people. I’m not perfect at communicating my feelings in a face to face situation. I’m shy, nervous and usually quite afraid I don’t quite fit in. When I write everything seems to make sense. I can compartmentalise myself. I can give myself permission to be a certain way, to feel certain things without judgement. When the blueprint of my mind is laid out in front of me I can start planning ahead. I can start assessing what I can do better next time.

There is, however, something that I’ve never quite been able to feel comfortable about.

I have another daughter. I have a twelve year old daughter. I have a daughter who I haven’t watched grow up. I have missed out on so much. Part of it is my fault. Part of it relates to the circumstances surrounding us at the time. All of it boils down to the fact that I have a daughter who I don’t know. I haven’t watched her grow. I haven’t seen her start weaning. I didn’t see her first step. I wasn’t there for her when she started school. I haven’t been there when she needs help with her homework.

We speak now on the phone. We see each other when we can. Geography is the only enemy. We’ve managed to spend some quality time together and I can feel the bond growing. There’s a part of me that feels that the bond has always been there. It just needs tending. It needs to be fed with rich, strong experiences that bind us ever closer. We’re working on it. What frustrates me sometimes is feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for not doing enough. I have so many questions to ask her. There are so many things about her that I want to know, to understand and to feel.

So I asked her.

What three words best describe you?

The three words that I would say best describe me are probably confident, a little lazy and impatient.

Do you think we are similar? What traits do you recognise in me that you have?

I think that in some ways we are similar but didn’t realise until I had met you a few times.

What are you most proud of yourself for?

I think that I am most proud of the fact that I am my own person. That i don’t aspire to be the same as anyone else.

What did you think about me when we first met? What do you think now?

When I first met you I was nervous but I could tell that you were too. I thought you were nice and funny and interesting and as I have gotten to know you, I can tell that my first opinion of you was 100% right.

Do you think that any child needs a Father or a Father figure when growing up?

In my opinion, I think that a father figure is important. Some people never have one and they turn out fine but i feel that I haven’t always had a father figure in my life but I am incredibly thankful that I have one now.

If you could change one single thing in your life what would that be?

I don’t think that I would change anything about my life now. I have my friends my family and now my sister.

So there you have it. A few little words. A handful of brave questions. Honesty and beauty in return. I could not have asked for anything more. When I read her response for the first time something in me shifted. I felt the connection I hadn’t seen before that had always been there. When you’re looking for something it’s easy to forget that sometimes it is right there in front of you. She writes like I do. She astounded me with her responses. Minute by minute I feel I am more deserving to be known as her Father.

The house is very quiet. The clouds above are bloated with snow and the ever growing silent threat leaves a steady hush over the rooftops. On this day I am truly alone. Until 14:00. When I have to go and collect my daughter from nursery. On her first day. It’s so quiet I can hear the wood in the house ache.

So one year has passed. One year in which I have watched my daughter grow from a tiny, fragile, totally dependent newborn into a brave, happy, moody, independent little girl. There are even some days I catch her looking at me and I see the woman she will grow to be flash across her face. Just a short brilliant burst but it’s there. Everything she is and will ever become. Finding and picking the right nursery was a decision that had to be made for her but we think we’ve made the right choice. It felt right.

The kids were smart, confident and friendly when I first visited the nursery. I sat amongst them while my daughter’s key worker showed her around the place. I could hear her crying but I knew that, if she were to see me, she’d have to see me looking happy. Brave. Confident amongst all these new faces. All these other spirited, smiling little faces. She cried anyway but I had a feeling that would happen. It’s all new for her. It’s a new adventure and, when you first venture out on your next experience, it’s always going to be frightening.

The entire year she’s been on her adventure with us I’ve written about it. I’ve taken a shovel to my soul and heaved out parts of my consciousness to the public only to see it in front of me. My perceptions of this world surrounding us all have changed to the point where I am constantly questioning myself. I am indeed a cynic, a grump and a fool. But I am also fractured, wildly sensitive and acutely aware of the very short time we have on this earth. And none of that matters. None of what I think about myself matters in the slightest. At this moment my daughter’s experience is all hers. There’s a lesson to be learned there about what it is to be a Father.

I love being a Father. I work hard at it. Both my wife and I invest every last scrap of ourselves into the well being of our daughter. Today I am learning that letting go, and doing nothing apart from being a phone call away, is the only thing I can do. Parents often feel hopeless, guilty and alone in their feelings. This is a mistake I’ve made too many times. I am proud to say that I am tired of the self deprecation. There’s no room for it in this house anymore.

I wonder what she’s doing now? I hope she manages to get some sleep. We packed her bunny along with her dummy so she has some connection with home. She even helped me take them out the bag when we unpacked it at nursery. My wife and I packed her companion Bobble Cat along with the snacks she likes. We put on brave faces as we packed extra nappies and clothes. We smiled at each other bravely as we watched her stomp around the house in her new shoes. We coughed and choked back tears as she pointed at her bag over breakfast and said “mein”. And as my wife left for her day at work she smiled at us both by the door as if it was just another day. We all choose our bravery carefully. In the end it’s all about her and we both know it. I think those most affected by today will be us and sometimes that’s just the way it is.

Since I started writing this blog I feel I’ve changed somewhat. I guess that’s what being a Father does to you. The experience not only invites you to deconstruct yourself it demands it. It’s a demanding and challenging job. I’ve taken time off work while my wife restarts her job after a long period of maternity leave. As a result I’ve had a taste of what it’s like being a househusband. It’s hard fucking work. I remind myself all the time that we’re extremely lucky to be a happy couple. I know many new parents who are not.

I wonder what she’s doing now? Reading I expect. She loves to read. She likes to take time out on her own to sit among her books. She turns each page so gently. She takes time over each page. Her long eyelashes flutter as she blinks her wide blue eyes. Her soft little hands run over the paper, searching for different textures. I could look at her all day. And when she sees me out of the corner of her eye she gestures at me by raising her book in air, smiling as she asks most graciously if I would read it to her.

Or maybe she’ll be screaming? Did I pack enough nappies? Did I pack the wrong toy? Did I dress her in the right clothes? Should I have left so abruptly? Should I have cuddled her and kissed her cheek when I said goodbye?

Being brave is hard work. There’s a sadness at the back of my throat like a hot stone. But I have to be brave because she wouldn’t want to see her Daddy sad. I guess that’s what today is all about.

My advice for any new parent helping their child through nursery? Try to enjoy it. Have some “me” time while they’re having “their” time. You may not be there for their first step into a new adventure but you’ll be there waiting for them to come home. Always.

Earlier this year me and the kids made a papier mache castle for their PlayMobil knights. I thought it might be of interest to fellow dads for me to share the story of how this started, how we did it, and what we ended up with.

A bit of background – I’m a designer and illustrator by trade. I have two kids. A daughter nearly six now, and a son who is about three and a half. 

This project came about for a couple of reasons.

The first was that I really wanted to get stuck in and make something with the kids. I wanted to work on something over a couple of weeks. Hopefully helping to plan what the castle would have, and seeing the castle take shape would be fun. 

The second was that the PlayMobil castles are ridiculously expensive!

Anyway – this is what we ended up with:

Next blog post – from humble beginnings…

Dearest Eve,

I am writing this to you with a vision of your unseen future in my heart. I am writing with a love infinite in its own knowledge of itself. I am writing to you as your Father and as your companion in our journey through this short time we have together.

I am tired. But not as tired as your Mother is. Your movements in the dark of night are tempestuous to say the least. You have a cold at the moment and, at barely ten months old, you aren’t quite sure what is happening to you. Each time I hear your tiny cough in the dark it pulls my heart apart a little bit more.

In these twilight moments I think about your Mother and I wonder how I have been blessed with such luck. She is a woman who has faced such adversity and tragedy only to come through stronger than perhaps even she realises. She is a woman who loves endlessly, fiercely and without compromise.

In these moments I realise how difficult it must be to be a woman. It is this thought which leads me to wonder what your life will be like as this is a strange and weird world ruled by men. The power struggles running to the very core of this world have seen furious, powerful and proud women but most if not all are lost to the winds of a bloody and pointless history. You need to be aware of this. You will need to be aware of the hardships that women have experienced throughout the various tragic milestones of our history. It will make you a better woman.

When I get home after work I come home to a partnership with your Mother. We are entwined in our devotion to you. I work at my job and she works at her job. Everything that comes before, after, and in-between is handled between us both equally.The man that comes home to his family with expectations of worth is a fool. The woman that sacrifices herself to her partner is an even bigger fool. In our own insignificance we are all equal.

Let no man tell you what is expected of you. If I see washing up that needs to be done I’ll do it without question. If I hear you in the night I will come to you. If there is food to prepare I will feed us all. As a family we are all in this together to make our lives and loves as passionate and tranquil as possible. The aged expected responsibilities for a man and a woman in partnership for the greater good of their own family are dead and buried. Enter only into a partnership. To love someone only for their love for you is a thankless love if ever there was one.

Our time on this earth is short. We are but fleeting moments in the creations of our own design. In our home and in our arms you are the brightest star burning with a light rarely too blinding to stare into. But I want you to realise that your time on this earth is but a tiny flash of light in the vast scope of the universe we are presently tumbling through. Embrace this humility as you would your own children.

Your time is to be lived as you wish. You are free to love, hope, dream and sacrifice as you see fit. But I want you to always remember the humbling nature of your insignificance. I want you to remember that all are to be treated equally even if you yourself are not. All of your relationships, loves, triumphs, tragedies and experiences will make you the woman you will be proud to be. Just remember you are one of many countless others burning in the skies above all of us. Your humility will be the making of you.

Burn brightly my love. You are the brightest star in my sky and in that you are granted supremacy.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything – work and a teething baby have monopolised my time. Hopefully, you’ve read, or are about to read, my post on the 5 things that I really don’t want for Christmas. This new post is here to show that I’m not actually a misery; I was just in a bad mood when I wrote that one.

I could write a post all lovey dovey Maria Carey inspired “All I Want for Christmas is Yoooou”-style and dedicate it to my wife and daughter, but I’m thinking more about presents, because I think I deserve to be a little bit selfish every now and then.

So I hope my wife comes across this when she’s surfing the internet, and buys me all the things on the list, because I’m not going to buy them myself. Anyway I’m sure she spies on me, so hopefully she’ll find this and then buy me all these great things.

The She Wee

I am sick to the back teeth of going out, or going on a long journey only to have the girls start to complain about needing the toilet. It is always in places where there isn’t a public loo for miles, or all the public loos are closed or out of order.

Introducing the She Wee…

I expect that this baby will save me a headache or too in the future, so it’s got to be a worthwhile investment. It’s basically a funnel, but it’s pink, and comes in a carry case, which I guess could double as a pee-pot should your missus get caught short. This is the sort of item that is not on the high street for obvious reasons.

A Briefcase

I look really unprofessional going into the office without one. The Directors all have them, and I want to look really important like one of the directors. I almost bought one in the charity shop the other day, it was in perfect condition, but the keys and combination were locked inside, in classic Only Fools and Horses style.

What would I do with a briefcase? I’d probably buy a suit and then walk around Reservoir Dogs style.

A New Suit

Since becoming a dad, I’ve put on loads of weight (see dad weight) and consequentially, I now need a new suit. I saw a wicked Ben Sherman suit in the sale in Debenhams. I’ll need this to go with my briefcase.

Quiz Book

There are only two things I like in a book – quiz questions and comedy. After dossing on the internet for 10 minutes, I found that there is an Only Fools and Horses Quiz book. So I want that now, too.

It’s not like anyone else cares enough about Only Fools and Horses to ask me the questions, but I can test myself, and then it doesn’t matter if I get all the answers wrong.

Help The Heroes leather wrist band

If there is one charity I think you should support, it is Help The Heroes. These brave men and women are out in the world, away from their families and under real danger of becoming injured or killed. The least we can do is donate some money to give the injured and families of fallen heroes the help they need just to get by each day.

Has anyone else out there tried to drop any hints to their spouse or partner? Or maybe you get forgotten? I’ve got a new born and I know she’ll be the centre of attention come her first Christmas, but I’m not jealous in any way…really…

Way back in August my boys (courtesy of the wife) got the opportunity to review the Tritton Trigger Stereo Headset for the XBox 360.  The boys both love them, and the fact that they can also attach them to their iPods is a huge bonus.